heartbreak

it always starts the same way.  a bit of intrigue, a quickening of the heartbeat and a hanging on every word.  time passes and  thoughts start to circle. . .what actually became the drain i guess.  i'm not a girly girl, i'm not prone to liking every guy i meet or obsessing. i'm willing to wait for someone worth waiting for and this year, i thought i might have found him.  of course he had a girlfriend-it couldn't possibly be that easy-until he didn't, but then there's the added drama of the ex that poses its own challenge.  summer begins slowly and builds to countless hours of conversation building a friendship that could probably last through the ages.  a sense of trust built quicker than with friends i've had for years.  is this it? is he the one? he's awful young.  but he brings out the best in me.  he makes me smile.  he makes me think.  he makes me desire to know god more.

months pass.  almost six in fact.  when is it time to take the risk?  is it ever?  god said wait.  wait on him. who was the him.  him or Him? but then there was a time when things seemed a little less true because i couldn't give everything.  but is it worth the risk?  is losing the friendship or having it change worth it?  but i'm there.  i'm at that point where if i don't take a risk my heart might not be able to take the fall later.  so i plunge.  headfirst into the deep end i go.  the response?  'i've never thought of our friendship that way before'.  crushed spirit.  heartbreak.  doubt.  did i act to soon?  was i still supposed to be waiting?  is it just not meant to be?  silence.  echoes off the walls as no answers come.  where am i still?  waiting.  waiting for the moment when it's clear.  the yes or the no.  the limbo zone where some days it's good, some days it's fine and some days it just f-ing sucks.  

he still makes me smile.  but i smile a little less because we talk a lot less.  my heart can't take more.  i can overlook his faults and see his heart.  i understand his indecisiveness though it drives me mad.  i can wait.  but should i?  am i meant for another?  am i meant to be alone?  lord, please not that cup. i seek to obey but am lost in the waves.  what is meant to be for me?

30-30

I thought to write an entry full of witty banter, but find my eyes drifting closed as I type.  Today marks Day One of my 30-30.  It's 30 minutes of exercise for 30 days in a row.  That's a good challenge on its own, but I decided to amp it up a bit, because, how many days do I not get my time in the Word done?  Riiiigggghhhht.  So, if I can do the 30-30 for exercise, surely I can do it for my devotional life!  So. . .I'm going to call it my Quad 30. 

Day One:  45 minutes of bike riding; 60 mins of Zumba-I know, somehow I overachieved :)
                 30 mins of Bible Study and reading Jesus Said to Her and Words to Lead by.  Note for                   tomorrow, don't wait till 10:30.  It's too hard to think then!

I ate pretty well today too-not to mention I think i drank about 48oz of water-that's huge!